instagram heterophobia as a model for internalized homophobia

i've written about a similar concept before, and i'll do it again: instagram heterophobia, much like the popular slogans about mental health and relationships, are continuing to fuck me over a decade later.

as a child i'd always been a bit socially isolated because autism (or, rather, ableism, if we're rocking with the social model of disability) does that to people. come seventh grade. in 2013, kids my age started getting the newest version of the ipod touch and even some cheap-ish cell phones. at that time, i wasn't particularly interested in social media--texting was just fine, and i was far more invested in playing app store games--but my classmates were really into instagram and snapchat. i figured they'd be the cure to my social isolation! all i had to do was get into the class group chats and then i'd be included in everything, and people would start caring about me.

things didn't work out the way i hoped they would, but i still had an instagram account and the app installed. then what? i got super autistic about my interests and spent a lot of time scrolling through hashtags related to them. then i somehow came across instagram's lgbt memers and social justice accounts, which captivated me by appealing to my sense of justice and my need for community.

among those posts were... well, things like this:

click to show...

clearly these are intended to be jokes, and to make some social commentary by reversing the roles. these people take homophobic phrases and use them against heterosexuals to feel more powerful themselves and to prove how ridiculous homophobia is. that's not a problem at all.

what is a problem is that i was spending a lot of time online as a preteen and a teen, and that i was exposed to this type of content before i was exposed to much of the world. at that age, i logically understood that what i saw online wasn't real life, but what i saw resonated with me emotionally. knowing that something isn't true, or isn't real, doesn't stop it from affecting you--this goes doubly for young people who don't yet have the frameworks, the life experiences, or even the mental capacity to be able to integrate the logical and emotional sides of themselves. it's true that those memes are just jokes, and that they're intended to ease the pain and loneliness of lgbt people who face this type of homophobia. it's true that i didn't face that type of homophobia in real life (although i did experience it in different forms), and that seeing things that hurt your feelings online doesn't amount to oppression in any sense. but it's also true that i felt isolated and ashamed, and i felt resentment towards straight people because they couldn't understand what i was going through.

so what i got from instagram heterophobia circa 2013 were these messages: "straight people don't like you, and you shouldn't like them either. you're oppressed. you're a victim. hating straight people is cool because they hate you back and they will never understand you. stay away from them, and try not to be like them." then i'm left wondering, do my friends and family really hate me? should i hate them back?

i started assuming the worst of straight people, and intentionally spending less time with them. i learned that 90% of the people around me were different from me, that they were malicious, and that they could never understand me or make me feel like i belonged. so i continued to assume that other people saw me as as an outcast, a freak, and a victim. so i decided that i was normal and that straight people were stupid, gross, and animalistic. i wanted nothing to do with them.

as a young ssa girl, most of the homophobia i witnessed came from these memes, and from lgbt people posting about their experiences online. a lot of the homophobia i experienced was firsthand, and it was very traumatic, don't get me wrong. but being surrounded by an online culture that spent so much time joking about it and/or venting about it, and posting tragic news stories about lgbt people being attacked and killed, did more harm to me than good. we were all maladaptive, and the online culture at the time was very anti-recovery. what's worse is that these people would respond to criticism with "i spend so much time online because it's the only place where i'm accepted." they ardently defended their choise to isolate themselves from others in real life, and in doing so, they spread their mentality to young people who haven't yet seen enough of the world to realize that not everybody is out to get them.

oppressed people have the right to joke, and the right to vent, and they deserve the space to do these things. however, social media algorithms feed this online culture (and, dare i say, mob mentality) to young people who honestly just need access to resources that teach resilience. what if instead of being exposed to homophobic sentiments with a few words changed around to redirect it to heterosexuals, i was shown resources about how to experience homophobia without internalizing it and blaming yourself for it? what if i was shown posts about how to cope with microagressions without distrusting the well-meaning straight people around you who love you and don't mean it like that? kids can't afford to resent heterosexuals so much when they're stuck living with them and going to school with them. that's just bound to make them miserable.

at some point, you have to figure out that giving into fear and anger won't get you what you want. you might see content that appeals to your innate sense of justice, but getting too caught up in "right" and "wrong" and "good" and "bad" may ultimately hurt your relationships and your sanity. if you want to keep your head, you'll have to think not in terms of what "should" happen according to your emotions and sense of justice/morality, but what "is" happening, and how to effectively get what you want out of the situation. sometimes this means resisting your angry urges and just levelling with another person so that they'll listen to you and give you what you want. feeling indignant and isolating yourself doesn't solve anything. you'll just fall further into your own world, enabled by an online community intent on taking you down with them.

maybe this is just me and my tendency to take things very literally, seriously, and extremely. i'm not sure how many other people experienced this online culture in the same way. but this is part of why i care about keeping young people away from social media. it's also why i feel that many of my blog posts aren't suitable for teens--not because i post "adult" content (ie sex, drugs, violence, etc.) but because i post about some worldviews that i feel young people aren't ready to come into contact with yet. i know that i see the world in black and white, and i don't want to accidentally radicalize anyone who hasn't properly developed their critical thinking skills yet. this by no means a slight against teens or their intelligence; it is merely an acknowledgement that people should experience more of the world and make up their own minds about things before being exposed to worldviews like my own. i don't want anyone to go through what i went through, and to end up with all this misdirected hatred in their 20s.

march 9^th 2024