my braceface arc begins today. they took two hours to install! it felt more like half an hour to me, so i was surprised. i suppose that explains why i felt dizzy after the appointment. i got home and read more of the mind of the dolphin, and then my sister and i started rewatching jujutsu kaisen from the start. spent my night smoking and drinking alone in my room. now it's time to take my meds and go to sleep.
finally got to watch jjk 0 today. it was very good! if you want to watch it, i recommend watching the hidden inventory arc first. it's just the first 5 episodes of season 2, and it's a prequel that you don't need any other context for. you'll miss out on a lot of the movie if you don't watch those five episodes first. today was palm sunday so i went to church, and when i got home i spent some time reading the mind of the dolphin and eating sunflower seeds. i dealt with some psychotic symptoms in the evening/night but thankfully they passed. it's probably drug-induced, since i overdid it last night and can feel myself wanting to relapse. i struggled with substance use this time last year, so i suspect that my body is remembering that right now & trying to go back to it.
today was a pretty bad day for me. i'm not sure if it's sleep deprivation or ovulation hormones but i was just feeling icky. my anxiety levels were high for no apparent reason, and i was having digestive issues, too. (a.k.a. i was experiencing shitting-my-pants levels of panic. and i don't mean that metaphorically). ended up breaking my one-month streak of not cutting myself. oh well! i reread jjk 0 which made me even more miserable, and now i'm in the process of reading the mind of the dolphin. my schizophrenic friend read that book and then had an episode where she thought dolphins were out to get her... so naturally, i have to go and read it now. hopefully i can be normal about it.
i made a zine today at school and got to talk with one of my classmates. talking while making crafts with someone is very fun! it's easy to forget how enjoyable parallel play is if it isn't something you do often. when i got home, i took a nap and woke up feeling awful. but the feeling after recovering from a nap, when you have no other responsibilites for the rest of the day, is peak leisure. i have a nap, i wake up, i vibe and chill and do whatever i want for a few hours, then i sleep again. very wholesome and pleasant, if it weren't for the hunger that doesn't go away unless you eat a satisfying meal, which you're not in the mood to cook. so i just made a little burrito and snacked on lupini.
neocities was under maintenance this afternoon, so i left the house and went to the gym. i'm finally starting to feel like i belong there, since i'm familiar with the equipment, strong enough to use the leftover weights on the machines sometimes, and because now i have an answer to "how many sets do you have left?" all of my muscles feel like jelly now, and standing is uncomfortable because my abs get cramped from holding me upright... maybe i overdid it. oh well; no pain no gain. i shared the "library" section of my site with my wgs class group chat after i got home. ideally i'll get some praise and some questions to add to my faq, but i'm not getting my hopes up. odds are those libfem queer theorists will just start arguing with me about what i wrote.
today was mostly good, with some bad moments. my mom started showing interest in exercizing with me because she noticed that she's getting weaker and losing her mobility as she ages. she wanted to lift weights, but we quickly realized that it was hard for her because she lacked core strength and shoulder mobility, so we're making that the main focus now. dad joined in later on so the three of us were exercizing together. he's usually stronger than me, but i could do way more leg lifts and crunches than he could. it was nice to beat him at something.
the original plan for today was to go downtown with my sister to people watch near the fan convention that's going on this weekend. seeing cosplayers makes me very happy, and i wanted to see if i could get a picture with gojo. my sister and i were both tired today though, so we went to an outlet mall closer to home instead. it was fun! i bought a green leotard, a lychee drink with diced coconut inside, and some sushi.
i have some brain fog today because i got really high last night and it'll take me a couple days to feel normal again. today was uneventful, the highlight being that i rewatched part of the hidden inventory arc with my sister. hazel shat on my pillow so i had to change my sheets, but now i'm eating lupini so all is well. i never liked lupini as a kid but i understand the hype now.
usually i work out at home, but i got to go to the gym today. i like gym days because i have access to a lot more equipment, and the fact that i go there less often makes me push myself harder whenever i'm there. i liked the diverging low row machine a lot, so now i'm wondering if i can diy that pulley system at home somehow. the design is simple enough if i can anchor the pulley to the cieling, but the walls and cielings at home are too weak for that.
i had plans with my friend today but she cancelled. i didn't mind too much because i really didn't feel like spending an hour on public transportation, and then having to find something to eat downtown. but i was already dressed when she cancelled, and the weather was really nice today, so i went for a walk with my sister. we spent most of our walk talking about jujutsu kaisen. it reminded me of early lockdown when we'd go on long walks together every day and talk about haikyuu.
my guts felt funny for most of today, and it took me the better half of the day to figure out why. turns out it was hunger--who could have guessed that eating less than normal makes you feel hungry?! i'm trying to lose some weight because i'm bodybuilding and i want my muscles to be more visible. eating less is easy for me to do because hunger is discomfort plus the urge to eat, but i tend to just feel discomfort unaccompanied by any urges... so there's no temptations for me to deal with, but i'm stuck trying to figure out why my guts hurt. the hard part for me is finding the balance between "eating slightly less" and "starving" without counting calories--which isn't something women should do because our calorie needs fluctuate a lot with our cycles! it's best to eat intuitively, as long as your intuition/interroception isn't fucked up like mine is. yay autism!
last night was rough because i decided to check an old friend's social media, and she appears to be doing better without me. i'm also doing much better without her, but that's besides the point... i just feel terribly guilty for holding her back, and it hurts to see how free she is without me, and to know that she couldn't have had that freedom if i were still looming over her life. i spent a lot of today thinking about suicide. i guess i just need to wait it out.
today was another "do nothing" day. i spent most of it coding, and now i'm drinking a protein shake spiked with rum. very yummy!
i started my period today, so i slept until noon. luckily it's saturday so i get to stay home. red raspberry leaf tea, a hot water bottle, and 800mg of advil always does the trick for me. i spent some time watching jjk with my sister, and also working on my site some more. it almost has a proper homepage.. i just need css to stop kicking my ass. right now it just looks like that one meme:
all afternoon and evening i've been the kind of sleepy where if i close my eyes for too long i might fall asleep. i decided to stay awake and remake my site a fourth time. the first time, i followed a template. the second time, i cloned myspace, the third time, i wanted to finally make something on my own, so i coded some pages from scratch. they looked nice, but i wasn't satisfied with them because it took away the focus from my blog posts. so now i'm making something simpler, so all the focus is on my writing. i can show off my fancy coding skills with some side project later on.
i saw the psychiatrist again today and got diagnosed with bpd, asd, and adhd... i'm fine with this because the psychiatrist mentioned three months ago that she thought i was borderline, so i already freaked out about it back then. it's a devastating diagnois, but not a surprising one anymore. plus i've known all along that i was autistic so it feels good to be diagnosed now. but adhd is so silly. i would have never thought i had it, and, really, i'm still not convinced that i do. could just be my prejudice against adhd havers.