usually i work out at home, but i got to go to the gym today. i like gym days because i have access to a lot more equipment, and the fact that i go there less often makes me push myself harder whenever i'm there. i liked the diverging low row machine a lot, so now i'm wondering if i can diy that pulley system at home somehow. the design is simple enough if i can anchor the pulley to the cieling, but the walls and cielings at home are too weak for that.

i had plans with my friend today but she cancelled. i didn't mind too much because i really didn't feel like spending an hour on public transportation, and then having to find something to eat downtown. but i was already dressed when she cancelled, and the weather was really nice today, so i went for a walk with my sister. we spent most of our walk talking about jujutsu kaisen. it reminded me of early lockdown when we'd go on long walks together every day and talk about haikyuu.

my guts felt funny for most of today, and it took me the better half of the day to figure out why. turns out it was hunger--who could have guessed that eating less than normal makes you feel hungry?! i'm trying to lose some weight because i'm bodybuilding and i want my muscles to be more visible. eating less is easy for me to do because hunger is discomfort plus the urge to eat, but i tend to just feel discomfort unaccompanied by any urges... so there's no temptations for me to deal with, but i'm stuck trying to figure out why my guts hurt. the hard part for me is finding the balance between "eating slightly less" and "starving" without counting calories--which isn't something women should do because our calorie needs fluctuate a lot with our cycles! it's best to eat intuitively, as long as your intuition/interroception isn't fucked up like mine is. yay autism!

last night was rough because i decided to check an old friend's social media, and she appears to be doing better without me. i'm also doing much better without her, but that's besides the point... i just feel terribly guilty for holding her back, and it hurts to see how free she is without me, and to know that she couldn't have had that freedom if i were still looming over her life. i spent a lot of today thinking about suicide. i guess i just need to wait it out.

today was another "do nothing" day. i spent most of it coding, and now i'm drinking a protein shake spiked with rum. very yummy!

i started my period today, so i slept until noon. luckily it's saturday so i get to stay home. red raspberry leaf tea, a hot water bottle, and 800mg of advil always does the trick for me. i spent some time watching jjk with my sister, and also working on my site some more. it almost has a proper homepage.. i just need css to stop kicking my ass. right now it just looks like that one meme:

all afternoon and evening i've been the kind of sleepy where if i close my eyes for too long i might fall asleep. i decided to stay awake and remake my site a fourth time. the first time, i followed a template. the second time, i cloned myspace, the third time, i wanted to finally make something on my own, so i coded some pages from scratch. they looked nice, but i wasn't satisfied with them because it took away the focus from my blog posts. so now i'm making something simpler, so all the focus is on my writing. i can show off my fancy coding skills with some side project later on.

i saw the psychiatrist again today and got diagnosed with bpd, asd, and adhd... i'm fine with this because the psychiatrist mentioned three months ago that she thought i was borderline, so i already freaked out about it back then. it's a devastating diagnois, but not a surprising one anymore. plus i've known all along that i was autistic so it feels good to be diagnosed now. but adhd is so silly. i would have never thought i had it, and, really, i'm still not convinced that i do. could just be my prejudice against adhd havers.